Sacramento, CA, USA

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Change Happens

July 31, 2018

Greetings Beloveds,

How are you doing?

 

My household has been experiencing some changes that have been a bit unusual.

 

Changes can be exciting.

They can be fun.

They can be exhausting.

They can be draining.

They can be a bit scary.

 

Each one of us (my daughter, my cat, and I) has been having our own separate experiences, and there are times when we support each other very well through it, and other times when we don't.

 

Change is the only consistent thing, and yet with each shift there seems to be a number of things that come up.

 

Navigating these experiences is often times where we trip ourselves up, and really create a lot of work for ourselves.

 

It can be a time where we create more chaos then necessary.

More panic

More anxiety

More stress

More tears

More fears

More resistance

More pressure

More doubt

 

I could go on and on, and yet I know you clearly get it. You live it too.

 

Often times during these shifting life changes, we don't even have words to describe what we are feeling.

 

We don't even know how to articulate what we are experiencing, and that in of itself can be unnerving.

 

Our cat over the last 2 months has ever so subtly been changing. Started off so subtle that we didn't even notice the changes until they were blaring us in the face.

 

She started off changing where she slept every day.

She slowly started not charging in my room every morning to greet me. (No biggie - it's freakin' hot - she's more of a winter snuggler.)

Then suddenly as if we just put all the pieces together and noticed, "Hey, what's up with the cat", because she didn't use her liter box.

 

Off to the vet we go because now we're sorta, kinda freaking out a little over all the changes we've NOWnoticed about it.

 

Comes back with a stellar clean bill of health.

 

Now, you scratch you're head and think WTH?

 

My daughter, well she's a teen---that says it all right?

That change from little girl to womanhood is a wild-ass ride.

It's so strange to now be in my mom's position with a teen and seeing my teen-self in my daughter.

 

In some ways we work well together, and things I try to do is remember what I wished I had received when I was a teen from my mom, and offer that to my daughter.

 

Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't because she's not me.

 

It’s a definite trial and error, and some days you feel empowered and other days not so much.

 

This past weekend with Mercury finally going retrograde (thank goodness because the pre-shadowing leading up to it was CRAZY---enough already get retrograding you fool); the total lunar blood moon eclipse and a full moon WAS ENOUGH TO DRIVE EVEN THE SANEST AMONG US NUTS-O.

 

In the middle of exploring an absolutely beautiful Roman/Grecian villa my daughter just began crying.

 

When inquiring what was wrong, she kept saying, "I don't know----I'm fine", which clearly she wasn't.

 

Giving her some space to collect herself, we went in different directions.

 

As a mom you feel powerless. You want to coddle your baby and provide comfort as that once worked so beautifully, but things have changed and that's no longer the "go-to" remedy.

 

We made our way back to our car, and drove along the Pacific Coast Highway with the ocean on one side of us---both of us feeling things we didn't want to feel; both of us uncertain as to what to do; and yet knowing this was only momentary.

 

Pulled into a parking spot, while my daughter crawled in the backseat and literally bawled.

 

This uncontrollable sobbing lasted about 30-45 minutes (from the Villa to where we ended up driving to and parking).

 

We did not speak. I did not ask any questions as they were not proving to be helpful from earlier discussion.

 

Finally, as if spirit called me, I knew what needed to be done. I began silently singing Amazing Grace inside my head---and somehow I knew energetically my daughter would receive it.

 

Within a few seconds of silently singing this song, her sobs began to slow, she began to regain composure. I began to feel an overwhelming sense of calm.

 

This use to be the song I would either hum or sing to her as a child when she would cry, and without fail she'd stop crying.

 

She could not explain what happened---she had no idea why she suddenly got so upset and began crying. "It's like it comes out of nowhere", she says. I share that I can totally relate as it happens to me as well. I can share what works for me, and let her know she'll learn what works for her.

 

I've been having dreams for the last 2 months which I wouldn't classify as "nightmares" but they are very uncomfortable indeed. Sometimes I wake severely depressed. Other times I wake up with tears rolling down my eyes. And other times I wake up, bewildered, and have to ask myself if what happened was "real" or not.

 

When these "changes" or "shifts" happened over the years, I often struggled through them silently because I was ashamed.

 

I was ashamed I would be perceived as weak.

I had over the years built up such an amazing wall of resilience around me that I had convinced others and more importantly myself that I was "OK" and didn't need any help.

 

What I didn't see during the construct of that resiliency plan was that I was not only isolating myself, but setting myself up for a big fall.

 

Here's some of what it looked like:

 

People would come to me and ask for advice or for help, and I'd freely give it.

I would be struggling with something and no one would offer to help, and I'd get upset and feel resentful.

 

People would share with me how they were trying this for that---always asking for thoughts and opinions on things.

I would do lots of research on things, but wouldn't ask a lot because I didn't want to be perceived as weak and needy.

 

People would openly share their life's experiences, which seemed good, bad, and downright ugly, and didn't seem to care they were sharing or how it looked to others.

If I decided to openly share my feelings or life's experiences they were received with a lack of support----because people weren't use to me sharing, so weren't sure how to offer help.

 

Being very stubborn and prideful (not necessarily great virtues), I reached an extremely challenging part of my life where I had to ask for help, and in my mind it was not only the worst, but most embarrassing and humiliating point of my existence, and it happened in public.

 

Oh I could say, the Universe was trying to teach me a lesson, or

The Universe was trying to help me see the error's of my thinking, or

I had ultimately set myself up to be humiliated in such a way because I had stubbornly fought off other ways of handling my resistance to asking for help, and

Regardless of any of the above, it didn't change the fact that I was standing at my own crossroad with a big, huge blaring sign that read, "What are you doing to do now?"

 

At that very moment, I surrendered----not in a place of submissiveness----not in a place of weakness, but rather a place of knowing I was tired.

 

At that moment I realized I had been fighting one of my biggest battles - my own resistance at asking for help.

 

Yes, my ego (inner critic--Trudy) had a lot to say;

"Really, you're just going to give up like that?"

"What will people think of you?"

"Remember---nobody will help you, you're supposed to be the strong one."

"How can you possibly help others when you’re weak yourself?"

"People won't know how to help you---you don't trust them to help anyway."

 

On and on the lies flash flooded through my head as I stood in a cold, dreary County office preparing to ask for help.

 

It SUCKED BIG TIME!

 

I stood there with this internal dialogue happening in my head, with tears running down my cheeks and my little daughter standing next to me looking very confused, but holding my hand and supporting me in her own beautiful way.

 

Did I mention, IT SUCKED BIG TIME!

 

That day changed my life----AND I DIDN'T SEE, FEEL, OR EVEN UNDERSTAND the magnitude of that change until MUCH LATER. And yet, it was one of the most empowering experiencing of my life.

 

I commend you if you are all the way down this far still reading this post because I want you to know any changes or shifts you are currently going through may be one of the most empowering experiences of your life as well.

 

One of my greatest self-sabotaging techniques I used for reaching out for help was asking people who I unconsciously knew couldn’t help me.

 

What this technique did was affirm;

I wasn’t good enough

I wasn’t someone anyone could help

I held resentment towards others I’d helped, but who couldn’t help me

I was weak and foolish for even asking

,

Can you think of any self-sabotaging techniques you may unconsciously use to keep you from getting out of your own way?

 

If I can help, please don't be as stubborn as me, and reach out.

 

Until next time, please know I send you so much love.

 

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