For countless years (I mean this figuratively as well as literally) we’ve been a society of humans that vacillate with this one little word, “judge”.
We have so many conditions and thoughts around it that I wonder if somehow we’ve forgotten to evaluate it and its relevance and usage in our lives.
It does mean to form an opinion or conclusion about something, and it also means to consider, decide, and gauge.
There’s something very fascinating around this word “judge”, and how I see it impacting people.
I can say that coming from a background of “people pleasing”, being highly sensitive along with being empathetic this word “judge” confused me.
On one hand I learned it was wrong to judge others, and yet I was judged often for being “too sensitive” and “different”.
Not understanding what it was to be “too sensitive” along with being intuitively empathetic, all I seemed to understand was sadness. Not wanting to feel sad inside I quickly learned how to make other people happy. Somehow in this strange conditioning of making others feel happy I felt less sad, less scared, and less invisible.
After years, and years of behaving this way (for after all this was a repeated pattern that evolved into an unconscious behavior) I unknowingly allowed myself to attract really unhealthy people in my life.
There seems to be an addictiveness that happens when you do something that feels good, even if that feeling 'good' is only for a snippet of time.
►It felt amazingly good within my physical being when I could see others being happy.
►It felt euphoric to get that sense of feeling accepted because someone was pleased with how I made them feel.
►It felt empowering to know I was needed to make others feel better about themselves.
As much as the above “feelings” felt great, there was so much pain co-mingled with it. In my need to feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally (because after all Empaths are a lot about FEELING), I took on mental, physical and emotional abuse. Somehow I could “justify” the discomfort of pain because I felt I was helping others.
Pleasing others became my “job”; a job that, in many ways, sucked the life right out of me because I only knew myself through pleasing others. This was and is such a DANGEROUS “job”.
►I allowed this “job” to cause so much undue hardship on myself.
►I allowed myself to drown in deep pools of depression.
►I allowed myself to be used for the sake of feeling a part of something.
Being a proud Leo (I say this with a little tongue and cheek because after all I have to be fully accountable for myself without titles, horoscope signs, planetary alignments, etc.), seeking help was COMPLETELY OFF THE TABLE……no way, no how I was ever going to ask for help with my pain.
►If I asked for help, in my mind, that meant I was weak.
►If I asked for help, what would others think of me?
►If I asked for help, somehow that meant I wouldn’t be able to continue helping others.
So, I continued remaining stuck, remaining a (unconscious—yet willing) victim, and a deeply saddened individual with A LOT of self-loathing.
By time I hit my 30’s the Universe was handing me some real tough-love. It was so tough that even I couldn’t handle it, and that SUCKED!
It sucked because I needed to do something different; I needed help.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I can’t ask for help”, I thought.
In my judgy/non-judgy mind asking for help meant defeat-----meant ultimate weakness, which it doesn’t, but I had convinced myself it did because after all if I let anyone know the “real” truth about me (that I was scared, that I was tired, that I was depressed, that I hated myself) what would happen to me?
So began the road to recovery as they say.
Part of this recovery process of getting to know me--I mean KNOW me was identifying my values. I’ll be honest with you, I thought I knew everything about myself, but when I got real down and clear with myself I learned a hell of a lot about myself that I didn’t even know.
Sitting there face-to-face with some values I felt ashamed of AND acknowledging them was somehow LIBERATING----painful, yes, but extremely freeing to no longer pretend…..to no longer be who I wasn’t for the sake of pleasing others.
In choosing to identify your values around ALL areas of your life (family/friends, career, relationships, health & fitness, personal growth & development, and spirituality) and truly going after what you want, YOU WILL HAVE TO JUDGE if what you are going after is actually in alignment with your values. In such judgment you will be considering and deciding (synonyms for judge) whether you want to accept this person, or that job, or that spiritual belief, or those foods, or ______________(fill in the blank).
Breaking down the walls of people pleasing, apologizing for things that aren’t your fault and really laying out your values and beliefs on the table, fully exposed in a safe, nurturing environment is the most LIBERATING form of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE you can give yourself.
I share this because I know there are some of you here that are me.
I know what it feels like to feel “different”, to feel “too sensitive”, to feel like you need to “please others, to FEEL TOO MUCH, to want someone to get YOU---ALL OF YOU, not just the you that you portray to the world.
I GET YOU!!!!
►I know you want to move past this pain, and you grapple with asking for help.
►I know there’s a risk in asking.
►I also know what the results are by not asking, and I know you feel that too.
I know there’s a belief system that you've built up that so many depend on you that now's not the time to help yourself. That was certainly one of my many go-to ‘lies’ I convinced myself of when I got very close to reaching out for help.
Help was sought, AND I still help others today. The difference is I help people help themselves rather than take on their stuff to make them happy.
I know there’s a plethora of beliefs…..
►I’m not good enough,
►I don’t have the time,
►It’s selfish to invest in myself,
►I need to make sure everyone around me is OK first before I take care of me, and
►I just need to work a little harder on myself first before I’m ready to take that next step.
Trust me I’ve heard them all, AND I’ve said them all. The fact remains NOTHING changes.
Well, that’s not entirely true…….
►more sadness happens,
►more self-loathing happens,
►more victimization happens, and
►more resentment towards self and others happen.
Please know I do not just work with anyone who reaches out.
In order for me to decide if we work together or not, we have to have a conversation.
WE decide if US working together is a good fit. It’s no longer a matter of whether I can help you or not (old behavior thinking), it’s a matter if we are a good fit to work together.
►I’m looking at your level of commitment to yourself.
►I’m looking to see how flexible you are…..are you too married to your story, and not willing to move past it.
►I’m looking to see if our values line up; the last thing I want for either one of us is to not complete our work because there’s feelings of disappointed.
So, please know it’s not only OK, but you should wear your “judgy” pants-----consider it a garment you wear, out of respect for your values.
If you are ready to elevate up to the next level of your awesomeness, click here to schedule an appointment.