Fear vs. Uncertainty
There’s been a few times in my life that I can say I’ve been honestly afraid as opposed to nervous or uncertain. The ones that immediately come to mind are:
When I fell out of a tree and nearly lost my eye.
When I was raped.
When I had to have a team of lawyers prove my innocence due to unknown illegal activities my ex had been doing.
Most other instances in my life have resulted in feeling uncertain or nervous about something.
There’s certainly a big difference between life threatening fear and being afraid. More often than not I think people are quick to label something they are uncertain about as fear, which quickly stifles their rationalization skills along with their emotional growth.
Learning to decipher from genuine life threatening fear and uncertainty or nervousness is crucial for our decision making skills.
It seemed once I learned how to differentiate genuine reasons to be afraid as opposed to being uncertain or nervous about an outcome, it cultivated a sense of better understanding, which resulted in better decision making skills.
This is not to say I don’t have those “triggers” of ‘OMG---what do I do now?’ moments; I most certainly do. I’ve also learned in those moments to take a deep breath and ask myself some questions;
Is my life in danger?
Is my daughter/family in danger?
Is there something I can do about my current situation?
Being able to answer ‘yes’ to the last one does not necessarily mean I can fix the situation at that very moment, but it reminds me to get out of that frozen fear based state----it moves me beyond being stuck or being a victim, even if it takes some time to solve the situation.
One of the greatest debilitating states I can say I’ve honestly been in that’s caused so much undue stress and fear is being indecisively on the fence about something. This more than any other state of being has caused me more anxiety, depression, fear, uncertainty, and loss of sleep in EVERY area of my life, until I learned to get off the indecisive fence.
Sitting on the fence of indecisiveness allows your Inner Critic to run rampant with your entire life. And the longer you sit on that fence, the further from the ground you seem. Within a very short period of time sitting on a little 2 tiered white picket fence can feel like you are sitting on top of the Empire State building with no harness, no net, and no seeming safe means of getting down without severely injuring yourself.
It’s in the ambivalence where we are actually making a decision………..a decision to scare the crap out of ourselves if left unattended for too long or without seeking help.
One of the other things indecisiveness draws out is our Inner Critic's voice “OMG, but what if I make the wrong choice or decision”. This voice is certain to anchor your position on the fence for an ever longer period of time.
I know there are many of you who have either recently gotten out of an unhealthy relationship; who have been out of one for some time and wavering on whether you dare try again; and even those who have been out of one for so long that the thought of even getting in one is terrifying. I get it----truly, I do.
I sat on that fence for soooooooooooooooooooooooooo very long and literally scared myself SICK. I was actually physically, mentally and emotionally sick for a couple of years because of the anxiety and depression I put on myself sitting on that damn fence.
When I finally made the decision to get off the fence and face my fear of meeting someone new, my biggest fear really came from making the decision to get off the fence.
Yes, of course I was nervous about meeting someone new, and yet meeting them after all that time I had fretted over what I should or shouldn’t do seemed somewhat anti-climatic in meeting them.
I had built up so much resistance-------so much “I’ll never let a man take advantage of me again”------so much, “I’ll be watching his every move to ensure the next one doesn’t hoodwink me”----so much, "I'll not let myself get hurt again". and GUESS WHAT? These first few encounters did not go well for me---AT ALL.
I had become so hardened, defensive, overly critical of being “aware” of any/all red flags that I actually was not even mindful of realizing I was the one bringing the big RED flag to the date.
This realization sent me back into some more course corrections. Yes, healing one’s self is an on-going process and one that I’ve concluded happens in partnership with others. Whether they are family, intimate relationships, co-workers, colleagues, associates, parent/children, friendship, or coaching/client relationships, these relationships can result in healthy growth.
Of course my Inner Critic Trudy wanted to have a hay-day with my, in her opinion, "epic fail" of getting back on the proverbial horse----dating, and for a period of time I allowed her to do so.
You betcha----that Trudy had a whole lot to say, and if I’m being honest with you there were those moments when I even questioned my own decision making process, and even found myself starting to reach for the latter to climb back up on that fence of fear/doubt/uncertainty, etc.
What changed in many ways for this particular juncture was I was willing to ask for help and support rather than sit on that fence or worse yet barricade myself off emotionally, mentally and physically from the world.
I know you understand this as, I believe, we all go through those moments of thinking, “Man, leaving this world and going home (wherever spiritual home is) would be fabulous right now”, and yet as long as we are still here on this blue spinning ball of fun we have choices to make. And I knew I did not want to make the choice to go back to those dark, sick days. Hell, I think I still had splinters in my arse (as my friend Adele would say), and I definitely didn’t want any more----they freakin’ hurt.
So back to the healing drawing board I went. This go around seemed more manageable----seemed quicker---------seemed less stressful, and before I knew it I was once again willing to meet someone.
My experience this second go-around was SOOOOOOOOO much better. I was less defensive, less “cautious”, less Inspector Gadget/Interrogator and simply enjoyed the moment(s) for what they were, and I not only enjoyed the company, but more importantly I enjoyed how comfortable I allowed myself to be and could fully trust my decision making skills.
There are many reasons I designed the 8 week Attract Your Ideal Partner program, and one of them was for all I’ve shared above. I wanted to give others an opportunity to process through their decision making abilities, and cultivate trust in themselves within a safe and non-judgmental space.
I specifically designed it for men or women, and for whatever your sexual orientation may be. It matters not if you are bi-sexual, gay, or straight; it matters not your spiritual or religious affiliation; it matters not your cultural or ethical background. What matters is your willingness to get off the fence of uncertainty, and dive into a program that is designed to teach you so much about yourself, release any baggage, and cultivate a self-confidence in yourself to trust your own decision making choices.
If this sounds like something you’re interested in or wanting to know more about, then get in touch with me for us to have a conversation.
The cost of the course is $1500, and if you apply before 4/1/18 you will receive a 20% discount.